Brainquakes

Wow! How many things can realistically happen in two days? I mean, it is totally incredible. I cannot even remember them all never mind take the time to write them. Feeling very unorganized today so this will probably make very little sense but I need to just ramble about some of this to help me sort it out. May want to skip this post.

First, Hannah. What do you do when you know you have to relate to someone and they are looking for friendship and all you can see is irritation? I really have been asking God to give me a greater love for her. I mean, when you live across the hall from someone, you kind of need to get along with them or life is just miserable. Anyway, it seems that all I can be to her is rude. I am very good and practiced at being rude in general (which is not a good thing), but usually it is all in jest. I think this is the first "non-family-member" that I have ever encountered that I have had such a hard time getting along with or even being civil to. I mean, she seems so infantile sometimes but I have to remember that its not just her problem. I think that is the issue really. I think I try to justify my attitude by looking at the way she acts to me. That is really self-centered if you think about the fact that, in relationship, the way you act to someone is, at least in part, what you get back. Although my upbringing was not perfect, I did come from a much more proper situation than she did and since I am also older, I think its time I realize that it is my responsibility to start eliminating the tension. It is hard though. Being nasty and rude to her comes quickly and is first nature. Anyway, she for some unknown reason is looking for friendship with me and wants to be a bit more than just civil. I think she really wants someone to draw some lines for her, I mean no one ever really has. Well... I really am rambling about this. I think it is helping a bit, though. Why does it have to be such a big project that we have to try so hard to have it come out right? I think I'm really frightened that if I let her be a friend she will want more than friendship. I shouldn't let this stop me from loving her though... I mean I have a choice too and I should at least be able to be civil with her. I need help!!!

An ode to self pity: I think I posted this already in a different form... but I think that depression at least the kind I was suffering from is just a form of self pity. As soon as I remembered that other people existed I was free from depression. The problem is that, as Bill keeps reminding me of, I am my own project. I do have to consider myself and make choices. I find this often depressing. Anyway, I have been trying to hold to a new practice the last couple days. Trying to keep the considering and choice making separate as much as possible. I think when I consider some aspect of me that I think needs to change, if I can consciously choose to ignore my own choices (which are often poor) and ask God what I should choose, I may be able to avoid depression. Of course, if and when God tells me which choice to make, I still have to do that. I think that is the choice that is most depressing. It is terrible to realize how many times I choose my own way over His. It's frightening really, because I know better, I can even usually see how little my way produces that is lasting, but to not do is far worse (at the time) than to forgo and do God's will. This is really what gets me down. My complete lack of desire to obey. Sometimes it is so lacking that I even lack the desire to hear and that is when I get really under it. New revelation: I think I have to start with the "Nazi Germany" approach and absolutely force myself into obedience before I will ever start wanting it. I wish God could just make me even a little bit hungry for His way! But how could He? I am full and fat on my own! Well back to the forced march... it's like getting out of bed in the morning... I never want to but I almost always do. Obedience to God's higher way is very similar... I just wish I could truthfully say that I almost always obey despite my wants. Maybe someday. Just because I haven't arrived does not mean I shouldn't continue trying. GOD, WHY CAN'T I REMEMBER THAT MORE OFTEN?

Whitestone is like the most possessive of families. And I feel very similar. I hate it when someone decides to move away. It feels like losing part of yourself. I realized this when Sam Porter left and I was thinking how selfish it was. Joanna, I know you will read this eventually, so I might as well address you personally. This is not about you per say, although you did inspire it. It is more an attempt to get over a feeling that I don't think is right. Anyway, what I was saying was, that I think I have the right to be terribly bothered or even hurt just because someone (anyone, really) chooses to move somewhere else. I hate this stigma that I know I am apart of, but at the same time I feel so powerless against it. I need to get over it! I mean, if the Bible is right, only a few will be chosen and so many will decide to go, maybe even me. I don't know why I hang on anyway, I have to trust that it is because God is enabling me to. But the issue really is that I feel a right to feel hurt just because someone decides they don't want to make the commitment to lose their life. That is not really a right. It is self-centeredness again. (Wow, there is a lot of that in me!) Well, anyway, I think I am coming to the place where I can say that it doesn't bother me anymore. Obviously there is a natural distance and so frienship cannot be as close, but part of being a friend for someone is being able to support them and love them no matter what. I'm trying to release my own deceptive feelings and acknowledge that this is not for everyone so some will need to get out. It might be me some day and if it is, I want to have sowed to the right response so that with what messure I have meated things out, they can return to me. Compassion. I think that is a word I am just coming to understand.

Baghdad and Scotland. I talked with Bill and Bette yesterday morning. It was good. I told them where I thought I was at in life and school and they were very understanding and had a lot of good advice. Bill got off on his usual "you were verbally abused and are now an angry person" routine for a while, but I think I was able to hear and understand it more than ever before. Bill in general seems to a lot more tender and genial than I had granted him. He also gave me quite a commendation listing off all these high opinions of me and my place here at Whitestone. I was really surprised. I didn't really think anyone thought that about me, never mind someone as insightful as Bill. I mean, my problems stare at me from every corner and I sometimes scare myself with them, but somehow no one else is even noticing. Weird! Anyway, in the course of our talk we got off on this job offer in Baghdad. I told them that I was currently unsure of the type of work that really interested me, but that computer and IT had always had a special place in my heart and that I would be very interested in going to Baghdad. Both for the practical learning experience that it would be and for the incredible adventure of working behind enemy lines in the middle of a warzone. I was amazed that he was open to my ideas. He in fact leapt upon a strange idea of sending me to Scotland to learn from the brethren at Ugadale. I ended up on the phone with a computer programmer and brother-in-the-Lord in Scotland! We had a fascinating discussion about what they do there and swapped e-mail addresses in order to open a dialogue. Only time will tell where that is leading. The possibilities are very thrilling at the moment.

I'm late for lunch so gotta go. Wonder if I have ADHD? More later, maybe...