Okay, so anyway...

Well, I guess all the trying to hear from the Lord about whether or not to go to Baghdad was all just a fun exercise. It seems the opportunity has been called off before I had the chance to find out what God wanted for me in it. I guess I should be happy since this is one possible way for Him to answer (by closing the door). But alas, I feel no such joy. I wish I would have heard before the door was shut. I wish that I could say for a fact that God had spoken to me personally. Not about the job as a whole but about my place in it. I wish I had known for sure before hand that He was not in it. But there is no sense in regretting that now... it is over and that is that. Sadly, it often seems that life trundles on faster than I can keep up and that there is rarely time for me to get a personal direction from God on an issue before the it has roled through and travelled on its merry way.

Today was just a bad day in general. It was one of those days where nothing truly terrible happens but nothing truly good happens either and when you are left with all the mediocre things that did happen you feel like it was all a waste and wonder what it was for. Todays theme song is: The Show Must Go On by Queen. I really have nothing further to write that might be even a little bit interesting to anyone else, so I guess I shut up. For now, although my heart is empty, my smile still stays... the show must go on!

To Baghdad...

...or not to Baghdad, that is the question.

I have been too busy to post here for a while, but I am in great distress again, so I am making the time although I should be sleeping... again, it is a fleece, a hope that someone will read it and respond to it and that this response will be, in someway, what I needed to hear.

Anyway, here's what is happening. About four weeks ago I was in great turmoil and very dissatisfied with my life as it is progressing. During this trauma, I heard that we had been offered the chance to help put a wireless network in place for the new Baghdad police force if we were willing and able to send some guys over there. This is one of the kinds of work I am interested in and I think it would be very thrilling to be in Baghdad at the moment, so I was very excited by the idea. I don't know what the excitement really came from, but as soon as I heard about the possibility I got this weird, peaceful but insistant feeling that I would be going over to Iraq for this job. I mean, it was strange and completely unexplainable, but I had this knowledge that the experience would be both good an enjoyable and it was so strong that it even felt like it was a sure thing that I was going.

I mentioned this (a desire to take part in the opportunity) to several people. My parents had opposite reactions at the dinner table, predictable really. My mom freaked and was mad that I would even consider it and my dad asked if he could come too (ever one to ease a tense moment!). I mentioned it at home and Rebekah came unglued at the thought. Everyone else in the house seemed more or less in support but not at all opposed to the thought of me going to Iraq, but Rebekah couldn't dream of it. I never could get a satisfactory answer to the paguing question, "why?", but I suspect it is based on some fear that I wouldn't make it back.

Anyway, all that was about four weeks ago and I brushed the whole thing off as a crazy idea that Bill had entertained and no one else was really interested in. When Bill went off to be with his father (who is recovering from a broken back), I assumed the whole thing would die like so many of his other fancies do.

Not so.

Wednesday, Richard nabbed me on my way home just before lunch to as me what my "witness" was on the subject. I had to be honest and say that I hadn't even asked the Lord whether or not He wanted me to go. I mean, I thought it was all a joke, and suddenly it had resurfaced very seriously as a possibility. So, I have been giving the whole issue serious thought and prayer. To make matters worse, my dad has talked to me twice about it and told me to make sure I hear from (and know that I heard from) the Lord before I commit to this one way or the other. Karen, who is totally against the idea of sending loved ones into a possibly dangerous situation (Odd, since she is totally in support of Bush and his war, that she doesn't want to support by allowing loved ones to make their contribution.), came and basically said the same thing only in not so few words. And there have been several prayer requests that we be sure we have heard from the Lord on the issue (all with the bend that we should not really consider this an option). Well, I have been asking but I have not felt any change or heard any word. How can I go to a meeting tomorrow with nothing? I'm right where I started, with a weird excitement and premonition that it is right for me and will happen, but with no clear support that this thought came from God.

I am in distress... God please be clear. I know that there is danger lurking in the possibility of being there right now, but I also know that there is an opportunity of a life time waiting across the ocean. Everything in me says, "Go for it!" but it would be nice to have some confirmation. In fact, it will be necessary to have a lot of confirmation I'm pretty sure. Anyway, its all still inconclusive and that is what is hard. The conclusion has to be reached before the next 24 hours are up and I am feeling the crunch of time. It's not the sort of decision you want to make in a hurry, but I think it is going to have to be that way.

The inconclusivity of it all is hard, but I am reminding myself that no matter what becomes of the whole thing, God is in control and what He wanted all along will be done and it will be good.

And with that I bid you all a good night (day actually - how did it get to be so late?) and go to bed.

About Reading this Blog

I was informed of how quickly this got round amongst my friends, so I think I need to clarify some of what is said here in that light. First, I am very surprised at the speed with which this rant found its way into my circle of compatriots! It hasn't even been a week since I started it! But that aside, I will start with the purpose of this blog. It is meant to be like therapy for me, to have a place where I can be brutally honest with myself so that I can decide what is wrong and how to change it. Since I am also struggling to work out many relational issues, it was never really intended to be enjoyable reading for the people with whom I relate everyday. That was why I picked an obscure name and only gave the address to a few of my therapists and not to everyone I know. I think the obvious question now, is, why post these writings in a public forum where the wrong people might read and misconstrue their meanings? The answer: because I was kind of putting a fleece out by doing so, a wager that just maybe someone totally unrelated to me and competely outside my circumstance would stumble across it and have some advice or in some way be affected by what I am going through. In short, because there is the possibility that my turmoil might make a difference in the world outside my brain. Anyway, apologies to those of my friends who have gone out of their way to find this addess and are probably sorry that they did. The disclaimer: this site is all about honesty with myself and so it should not be taken as offensive by someone else's self. That's really all there is to say, so with that in mind, keep reading.

Of course, if you are a stranger to me, very little of this applies or will make sense, so you might move on to a different post or visit a different blog if I am too depressing.

Brainquakes

Wow! How many things can realistically happen in two days? I mean, it is totally incredible. I cannot even remember them all never mind take the time to write them. Feeling very unorganized today so this will probably make very little sense but I need to just ramble about some of this to help me sort it out. May want to skip this post.

First, Hannah. What do you do when you know you have to relate to someone and they are looking for friendship and all you can see is irritation? I really have been asking God to give me a greater love for her. I mean, when you live across the hall from someone, you kind of need to get along with them or life is just miserable. Anyway, it seems that all I can be to her is rude. I am very good and practiced at being rude in general (which is not a good thing), but usually it is all in jest. I think this is the first "non-family-member" that I have ever encountered that I have had such a hard time getting along with or even being civil to. I mean, she seems so infantile sometimes but I have to remember that its not just her problem. I think that is the issue really. I think I try to justify my attitude by looking at the way she acts to me. That is really self-centered if you think about the fact that, in relationship, the way you act to someone is, at least in part, what you get back. Although my upbringing was not perfect, I did come from a much more proper situation than she did and since I am also older, I think its time I realize that it is my responsibility to start eliminating the tension. It is hard though. Being nasty and rude to her comes quickly and is first nature. Anyway, she for some unknown reason is looking for friendship with me and wants to be a bit more than just civil. I think she really wants someone to draw some lines for her, I mean no one ever really has. Well... I really am rambling about this. I think it is helping a bit, though. Why does it have to be such a big project that we have to try so hard to have it come out right? I think I'm really frightened that if I let her be a friend she will want more than friendship. I shouldn't let this stop me from loving her though... I mean I have a choice too and I should at least be able to be civil with her. I need help!!!

An ode to self pity: I think I posted this already in a different form... but I think that depression at least the kind I was suffering from is just a form of self pity. As soon as I remembered that other people existed I was free from depression. The problem is that, as Bill keeps reminding me of, I am my own project. I do have to consider myself and make choices. I find this often depressing. Anyway, I have been trying to hold to a new practice the last couple days. Trying to keep the considering and choice making separate as much as possible. I think when I consider some aspect of me that I think needs to change, if I can consciously choose to ignore my own choices (which are often poor) and ask God what I should choose, I may be able to avoid depression. Of course, if and when God tells me which choice to make, I still have to do that. I think that is the choice that is most depressing. It is terrible to realize how many times I choose my own way over His. It's frightening really, because I know better, I can even usually see how little my way produces that is lasting, but to not do is far worse (at the time) than to forgo and do God's will. This is really what gets me down. My complete lack of desire to obey. Sometimes it is so lacking that I even lack the desire to hear and that is when I get really under it. New revelation: I think I have to start with the "Nazi Germany" approach and absolutely force myself into obedience before I will ever start wanting it. I wish God could just make me even a little bit hungry for His way! But how could He? I am full and fat on my own! Well back to the forced march... it's like getting out of bed in the morning... I never want to but I almost always do. Obedience to God's higher way is very similar... I just wish I could truthfully say that I almost always obey despite my wants. Maybe someday. Just because I haven't arrived does not mean I shouldn't continue trying. GOD, WHY CAN'T I REMEMBER THAT MORE OFTEN?

Whitestone is like the most possessive of families. And I feel very similar. I hate it when someone decides to move away. It feels like losing part of yourself. I realized this when Sam Porter left and I was thinking how selfish it was. Joanna, I know you will read this eventually, so I might as well address you personally. This is not about you per say, although you did inspire it. It is more an attempt to get over a feeling that I don't think is right. Anyway, what I was saying was, that I think I have the right to be terribly bothered or even hurt just because someone (anyone, really) chooses to move somewhere else. I hate this stigma that I know I am apart of, but at the same time I feel so powerless against it. I need to get over it! I mean, if the Bible is right, only a few will be chosen and so many will decide to go, maybe even me. I don't know why I hang on anyway, I have to trust that it is because God is enabling me to. But the issue really is that I feel a right to feel hurt just because someone decides they don't want to make the commitment to lose their life. That is not really a right. It is self-centeredness again. (Wow, there is a lot of that in me!) Well, anyway, I think I am coming to the place where I can say that it doesn't bother me anymore. Obviously there is a natural distance and so frienship cannot be as close, but part of being a friend for someone is being able to support them and love them no matter what. I'm trying to release my own deceptive feelings and acknowledge that this is not for everyone so some will need to get out. It might be me some day and if it is, I want to have sowed to the right response so that with what messure I have meated things out, they can return to me. Compassion. I think that is a word I am just coming to understand.

Baghdad and Scotland. I talked with Bill and Bette yesterday morning. It was good. I told them where I thought I was at in life and school and they were very understanding and had a lot of good advice. Bill got off on his usual "you were verbally abused and are now an angry person" routine for a while, but I think I was able to hear and understand it more than ever before. Bill in general seems to a lot more tender and genial than I had granted him. He also gave me quite a commendation listing off all these high opinions of me and my place here at Whitestone. I was really surprised. I didn't really think anyone thought that about me, never mind someone as insightful as Bill. I mean, my problems stare at me from every corner and I sometimes scare myself with them, but somehow no one else is even noticing. Weird! Anyway, in the course of our talk we got off on this job offer in Baghdad. I told them that I was currently unsure of the type of work that really interested me, but that computer and IT had always had a special place in my heart and that I would be very interested in going to Baghdad. Both for the practical learning experience that it would be and for the incredible adventure of working behind enemy lines in the middle of a warzone. I was amazed that he was open to my ideas. He in fact leapt upon a strange idea of sending me to Scotland to learn from the brethren at Ugadale. I ended up on the phone with a computer programmer and brother-in-the-Lord in Scotland! We had a fascinating discussion about what they do there and swapped e-mail addresses in order to open a dialogue. Only time will tell where that is leading. The possibilities are very thrilling at the moment.

I'm late for lunch so gotta go. Wonder if I have ADHD? More later, maybe...

I think its really just a valley of dry bones... Hurray!

As anyone who has been following my blog has probably noticed by now, it was started amidst severe mental turmoil. I have never really experienced anything quite like this. Tonight I talked with Jonathan and Rebekah about it and was very annoyed by my complete lack of ability to verbalize the trauma I have been in. Today has just been a day for bombshells anyway. The metaphorical picture of what my mind is like, however, changed tonight. I've been very pleased with my metaphor that my brain is like a forest... sometimes dark and scary, and at other times a nice place to take a relaxing stroll. Well, this metaphor still works and I don't think it has any logical leaks in it, but I have a new metaphor now which more accurately describes what I have been going through. Here's what happened:

Anthony, who came to work for the community's business: Heritage Homes and decided (recently) that he wanted to stay on and live here, was asked to leave the community and spend some time considering his recent decision. This affects me immensely because, although I have only known him for a few months, we have been roommates and I really have come to like him. Anyway, our whole household kind of knew about this, but he was going to say some official words to us tonight so that we would be clued in on what was happening. Before everyone was home though, I got into a heavy talk with Jonathan and Rebekah about the extreme mental duress I have been in. As I warned them, I was completely unable to put my true issues into words. And although we spent almost an hour discussing odds and ends and fractured bits of my issue, we never got to address the problem head on because (as has been the case all along) I could not see it clearly for myself. Try as I might, I could not sort out the overwhelming thoughts into a coherent statement and eventually it got to be too much and my brain just went blank. Anyway, eventually after arriving where we had started from, it was concluded that something was definitely the matter but what this matter was. was as yet undetermined. Then Anthony was able to say his piece and we had a time of response followed by some prayer. I think I had a genuine prayer this time around. (I have to say that sometimes what comes out of my mouth at prayer meetings is just a bunch of bunk!) I started by thanking the Lord for the examples that we are surrounded with here in community and then asked for a sense of purpose and a desire to find more than futility in life. I really think God was listening, too. Don't get me wrong, I don't really think I've survived the woods yet, but I thought He gave me a clear example of what has been causing me to flounder. I am still looking for the solution (which may be found just in examining the example) but at least a ray of hope has pierced the darkness.

Here is the example that came to mind as soon as I was done praying, it can be found in Ezekiel 37:1-10. "The hand of the Lord was upon me, and carried me out in the spirit of the Lord, and set me down in the midst of the valley which was full of bones, and caused me to pass by them round about: and, behold, there were very many in the open valley; and, lo, they were very dry. And he said unto me, Son of man, can these bones live? And I answered, O Lord God, thou knowest. Again he said unto me, Prophesy upon these bones, and say unto them, O ye dry bones, hear the word of the Lord. Thus saith the Lord God unto these bones; Behold, I will cause breath to enter into you, and ye shall live: and I will lay sinews upon you, and will bring up flesh upon you, and cover you with skin, and put breath in you, and ye shall live; and ye shall know that I am the Lord. So I prophesied as I was commanded: and as I prophesied, there was a noise, and behold a shaking, and the bones came together, bone to his bone. And when I beheld, lo, the sinews and the flesh came up upon them, and the skin covered them above: but there was no breath in them. Then said he unto me, Prophesy unto the wind, prophesy, son of man, and say to the wind, Thus saith the Lord God; Come from the four winds, O breath, and breathe upon these slain, that they may live. So I prophesied as he commanded me, and the breath came into them, and they lived, and stood up upon their feet, an exceeding great army." I think this is my new metaphor and the root of my distress. I think this is why I was so distressed by convention and the Plan of God course that followed. It was like the sun came up and instead of sparkling on a beautiful forest glade, I was confronted by an endless vale of dry bones. Surrounded by death. Everything I had put my hands to for so long was reduced to crumbling osteo cells. Of course it is depressing to awake to the fact that what you have been calling "life" is instead a vast expanse of death that stretches farther than the eyes can see or know. To stay consistent and use my forest metaphor, it has been like walking through a horror forest where behind every shrub and under every branch another rotting carcass lurks to be found.

This plain of bones is so devastating to look on that I think i was incapable of taking it in at first. Here I am giving my life to a community where the common thread is a desire to give our lives for God and each other and I am trying to find MY purpose and MY place and what the Lord has for ME. This isn't a life at all... it is worse than death... it is an age old death, one that has been clinging to and diswading mankind for thousands of years: it is a valley of VERY dry bones. Like Ezekiel, the Lord is commanding me to take action. When Ezekiel was confronted by the death and decay of Israel, he was commanded by the Lord to prophesy. Not just to prophesy whatever he liked, but to prophesy the specific plan of the Lord for spiritual Israel. I think that is what God wanted me to get from this example. The only way out of my field of death is not to run, where could I run to? It is not to hide, what forest can hide me? It is to stand in the middle of that vast expanse of death and wait until I hear the words and then to prophesy life to all these bones. This standing is not an idle waiting, it is a stand like Ezekiel took. A waiting on God that involves asking for and expecting direction. And when the direction comes (its promised arrival is the only ray of hope amidst this death), I must speak those words of life. Carry out the direction I'm given. This is my only hope for life to come out of this darkness.

The last issue that has been plaguing me is the huge emptiness that I think is supposed to be a desire to do whatever it takes to bring life to my death. I am still looking for an answer, for a filling of this void. But I think that the small bit of grace that I received tonight during the prayer time has given me the desire to keep asking. It has provided me with a small bit of desire for help and so the huge free-fall is currently at an end. I am trusting myself to a tiny toe-hold on the cliff of sanity, may God move in and show the answers as I find the frail strength to ask.

Insanity is one of the most selfish things I can think of right now. Or maybe selfcenteredness is insanity. Anyway, the two seem very closely linked. I think part of my deliverance is to move away mentally, not just physically, from my own self. Rebekah said this while we were talking tonight, and I tried to brush it off, but I think it is really true. It keeps resurfacing. Part of avoiding the free-fall is to stop thinking about it. It is to instead think of, and be consumed with what other people need. I don't think one ought to totally neglect there own state of affairs, but I don't think it is possible to bring much life to your own state of affairs either. A new revelation: I think that is what community is all about - we can't bring life to our own gardens so we must tend each others that all may live. Something like that anyway. Well... I have a whole Calculus lesson due tomorrow and it is eleven o'clock already, so I guess I better get too... but this is my current state. It is ugly, but at least I can recognize it now for what it is. I hope I have the stamina and will power and desire to see it through. Only time will tell.

GAWD! I was just out for a stroll...

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Originally uploaded by bosiahj.

I wonder if it is blogging that has brought all these restless things to my mind? No, guess it isn't because they were definitely there yesterday all day and I just started my blog last night. Anyway, sometimes I just HATE thinking but it seems like it cannot be stopped... it just happens and I feel so powerless against it. I was telling Joanna last night that it is like I am outside myself looking on as I happened. The difference is that last night I had no emotional feelings about what I was watching and I felt so objective about it! This morning... feelings abound and can't be tallied or even identified as they flit by.

I sat down to do homework and for the sevety-fifth time in a row was so uninspired by what I was looking at that I was completely incapable of making any progress. I think that was when the walk began. It sometimes is seriously like I must not be occupying myself because I seem to have no choice when or for how long my brain will churn about subjects which I do not know what to do about. I mean, its weird. Its like I watched as I went for a walk in the woods and yet I was also there to experience the things I found. I'm feeling more and more like a two year old. I can't even decide when the walk starts or ends never mind where I will walk to! I think my brain is hyperactive. Maybe it has ADHD? But seriously, I can say with sincerity that I have often thought of the idea that maybe my brain is not as advanced as it should be for my age. I don't mean that I am stupid... God knows my friends and even teachers would never permit me to say that! I just mean that emotionally/mentally I am maybe not quite as far along as a normal 22 year old. Normalcy is something to wonder about anyway, but that is far from the topic at hand. Maybe some other day I can rant about that.

Back to my walk, I was thinking about life in general (partly inspired by what I read at Boj's blog) and this thought process was like totally out of my control... I was just witnessing it (and being emotionally affected by it). What a weird mind I have... too many thoughts to explain. Besides, I ran out of time and had to go to lunch. So, I guess this post will kind of just trail off... I can't seem to pick up where I left off. I think that's a good thing anyway.

Ramblings of the Preoccupied

Woke up today with a renewed zest for life. I read my bible for half an hour whilst drinking a cup of delicious French press coffee. All was beautiful and back on an even keel until I went out to start the cars. The -48 degrees (Fahrenheit) was more than I could bare. I think it froze all the zest I had gained in the night. Too bad. Life happens.

Anyway, went to school this morning and struggled through Calculus for the first time in 11 days. I can't believe how quickly important bits of knowledge get lost in the woods! Well, I survived so that is good. Now I just have two finals to do. One for Market Research and one for the Plan of God course I just did. I really need to get my act together and turn in some Economics homework... I have really been irritated by those classes! I had no idea it would be so hard to teach myself entirely from a textbook.

Well it seems all I can come up with today is a collective complaint about how much I have to do, so instead of complaining I guess I should just go out and do some of it. I wish I wasn't so tired! Anyway, guess I should go and collect up the lost bits from where ever they seemed to have strayed to in the forest.